Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Man found dead after waiting for Internet to load



A WHITSUNDAY man has been found dead in his home by police yesterday.

A QPS spokesperson has revealed to W.E.News that the cause of death was highly likely to be attributed to the regions excruiatingly slow mobile broadband.

They had examined the laptop the man had been using and found the page the victim was trying to access (the Google search home page) had been loading for several days.

The page was still trying to load when the body was discovered.

This is not the first time such a tragedy has occured, another local woman Chopar Hollic died last week whilst attempting to purchase jewellery on eBay, only to be left waiting days for the Paypal login page to load so she could finalise her would-be purchase.

Her mother managed to just complete the transaction after many attempts reloading the browser and will be selling the daughters jewellery in a special charity auction, with proceeds to be donated to the federal governments embattled NBN program.

"I just want to raise awareness of this serious issue...my daughters untimely death was not in vain. We can all improve this dreadful situation if we can all connect - fat (expletive) chance of that when our country is run my morons on both sides of politics!" Chopar's mother told us.

Recently the Dalai Lama even had issues during the Australian leg of his world tour. He was seen by shocked onlookers cursing expletives and headbutting the computer screen repeatedly after his holiness attemped to use Facebook to contact his friends and family back in Tibet. One source close to Tenzin told us he had never seen such rage and fiery demonic anger in his eyes as he witnessed on that awkward day.

The Minister of Communication, Malcolm Turnbull was unable to comment, also due to the state of Australia's poor communication issues.